I had a fight with some of my friends a year ago and, I was depressed and sad and thought of killing myself. I was desperate for help & I had no one to talk to. I'm not used to discuss about my problems with my siblings. So the first person that came into my mind was my old primary school friend. I have no idea what brought my mind to think of him, of all people, in my life, when I knew that he wouldn't like this at all. I did so many bad things to him in the past and of course he was mad. I can tell that he was trying to get away from whatever involves me. And when I think about it, our friendship became more & more unstable when I started to realized that I have feelings for him. It was totally new for me. I'm still not sure whether I still have feelings for him, though I still think he is special as ever.

I don't feel like putting up his name here because I find it weird, I mean, what if he saw this? He'll be uncomfortable as heck. So, yes. Don't ask. Because I'm tired of making him feel uncomfortable.

So anyway,

the only nicest way to talk about this issue with him was through MSN Messenger Chat.

This is not a made up conversation or whatsoever, but I tell you, you're gonna like this guy

And of course, you are going to hate me moaaar, really. I hate myself too.

__________________________________________________

********** says:

Waalaikumussalam
Our job as humans or rather Muslims is just to convey the message
and you've done that
so your job is done there
if your friends think differently of you
then its because they feel intimidated
and biasala, orang melayu
not being racist cause i am one myself
but malays
we just cant see someone better than ourselves
So yeah, patience is the only way out
Allah promised those who are patient
will be rewarded GREATLY later in life or the afterlife
and if you feel down
or even suicidal
its okay
its only human to feel depressed
even Rasullullah felt depressed
he even tried killing himself
really.
i forgot which ayat
but i think its in al-Kahf ?
wait, lemme go search for it

Nurunnuha says:
Thank you. really,

********** says:
al-Kahf ayat 6

Nurunnuha says:
Alright.

********** says:
You would only, perchance, fret yourself to death, following after them, in grief, if they believe not in this Message
yeah
the story behind this ayat is
something like
Rasullulah's yknw
constantly preaching

Nurunnuha says:
yeah

********** says:
but nobody's listening to him and stuff
so yeah, of course he feels depressed
so dntcha worry about it
something good always comes out of everything

Nurunnuha says:
Thanks for telling me these, feel much better now.
but not completely though, yknow, the fact that they still ..in that state of hating me. hah,
thanks once again

********** says:
dnt worry about it
things'll be fine
a tip though,
if they hate you
dnt do anything
if they dnt talk to you
dnt talk to them
they
they'll* come back to you later

Nurunnuha says:
hopefully so,
yeah, that'll help.

********** says:
dnt be so stressed
youre only 16

Nurunnuha says:
haha, taht's what bawie told me
that's* idk, too weak I guess

********** says:
cause its true

Nurunnuha says:
aha, yeah
there's more to come in the future
meeting all kinds of people you have to deal with
more burdens and more idk, unexpectations.
ah, Sorry if I'm bothering you hah

********** says:
haha naaah
you shldnt stress yourself
yknw at one point of time
i was so stressed about my future family
i was constantly thinking
of a way to make more money
so they can have a comfortable life
which is sorta funny when i think of it now
im only 15
and i've got like names for my kids
live for now
and for the past or future

Nurunnuha says:
haha, well, that's typical for people who focused on their future more.
Which is also good, in some ways.
But yea, pass that bridge when you get there.

********** says:
aha yeah
hm :/

Nurunnuha says:
c'mone, don't be down when I'm in this depression state. I couldn't think of anything aiyah

********** says:
HAHAH
nah im not
ive just got so many things planned for my kids
that's all
and wife
lol

Nurunnuha says:
haha
typical
PASS THAT BRIDGE WHEN YOU'RE THERE!
you never know, you're future might change

********** says:
lol true
there's no guarantee

Nurunnuha says:
yep.
One of my friends wrote this,
eh, wait.

********** says:
alright

Nurunnuha says:
We have our opinions... but if you decide to choose the forceful way, so be it.

I applaud you.

We were supposed to accept each other as we are.

We were supposed to be patient towards each other.

I'm guessing you regret wasting your time with us.

Consequently, you have ruined all those memories that we have had together.

All those memories that God has help you made.


The ones He had made to make you happy

********** says:
nuha, can i read what you wrote ?

Nurunnuha says:
I felt terribly bad
uhm, ALright

********** says:
you didnt mention your friends in there, right ?

Nurunnuha says:

Course not

********** says:
okay yeah
can i read it ?

Nurunnuha says:
jap jap, my blog's private so, gonna copy/paste

********** says:
yeah aight

Nurunnuha says:
And more importantly,
to all of you, please, I beg of you, friends. Change. To better. Change because of Allah SWT. I'm tired of waiting for you guys to change. You'll never know when you're goin to die. Who knows, after you go back home, you fell flat causing your head to crash Na'usubillah.

Who knows, you'll get stabbed by someone. Na'usubillah
Who knows, your computer will explode right in fro
front*
of your face causing your head to explode too.

WHO KNOWS.
CHANGE!
CHANGE BECAUSE OF ALLAH S.W.T!
CHANGE FOR GOOD!
CHANGE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

I have the feeling of
I did a very very very bad thing
no wait, I wrote a terribly bad thing. Did i?
I sucked. Knew it.
Sigh

**********says:
jaaaaaaap
im reading.
ah,
well
you screwed up
that's for sure
cause what you wrote was directed like
clearly towards your friends, yknw

Nurunnuha says:
wait there's more.
lol I know, I'm a terrible when it comes to
idk, I just can't wait.
jap
Allah gave you all your needs already!
Allah just asked us to PRAY, TUTUP AURAT,
ALLAH TAK SURUH PON SURUH SMAYANG SAMPAI TAKLEH TIDO, MAKAN ETC.
and yet, we said, "argh It's too much..." etc etc crap crap CRAP!

ASTRAGHFIRULLAH HALAZEEM!!!!
ALLAH SURUH SOLAT JE.
TUTUP AURAAT AND YET, SUSAH SANGAT KE?!
ADA KE ALLAH WAJIB SURUH KITA PERANG BERMATI-MATIAN?!
ADA KE?

REALLY!
YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL TO
ALLAH SWT BECAUSE HE GAVE YOU SPARE TIME TO LIVE.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY HE GAVE YOU THAT SPARE TIME?
BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YA ALLAH!
you wouldn't believe I type those all while screaming in my head,
causing me to have a such headache.
Okay, now I truly hate myself. Gahh


I get easily angered. My fault, sigh

********** says:
eh dnt
man
you'll be abit lonely fr awhile :/
cause yeah
you wrote it for your friends, yknw
like
yeah
lol
i mean
you didnt have to put friends
just say
brothers
or
sisters
is good

Nurunnuha says:
you've told me that already gah, I know, I was wroting too specifically
wrote*
I wrote*
lol
Why didn't I think of that?
heck, laa, uh well past is past.
Just have to deal with the unexpectations.

Thanks

********** says:
haha dnt worry abt it nuha
we're humans
we forget easily
dnt wrry abt it

Nurunnuha says:
yeah, guess so.

********** says:
things'll be fine
just pray

Nurunnuha says:
sigh, one of them still giving me chances of swallowed what I've wrote and accept her. But I feel like I won't forgive myself anymore. What should i do, really?
sorry, again. sigh

********** says:
hey no worries
appreciate it
cause not many people are willing to do that
appreciate her
and dnt talk about this anymore with her

Nurunnuha says:
Sigh, thanks again. you're the best.

********** says:
no prob

________________________________________________________

I disgust myself.

My mind filled with 'eww' and 'eghh' whenever I read my replies.

I pity that friend of mine, really.

To deal with a loser like me.

I'm sorry I exist.

But I'm very thankful and grateful that you've sacrifice your time to read this pathetic blog of mine.

Will continue blog until I finish studying.

I have Science paper tomorrow.

11:53 PM

Yeah, I know I have to sleep now.

Of course, after I've done my prayer.

May peace be upon you